What a great question. Wish I had all the answers so I could answer that question for myself. It’s really hard hearing about all the auditions, callbacks and bookings other people are getting. Comparison is always a trap, I know. But how do I get the little voice inside my head to stop saying, “they’re doing it, you should be doing it, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be doing it.” I’m not doing it, so what are the reasons? What are the secret cosmic brutal reasons that “The Secret” is not working for me. I feel good, I believe, I feel as if I’m there, I take actions, I put myself out there and here are the results for the past 5 months or so; nothing, nothing and some more nothing. But from nothing everything is possible, right? How come I’ve never been able to enjoy or learn how to enjoy nothing. Why is hard to enjoy all parts of the journey? Am I a freak? I’m waiting for Godot, I am. I am self submitting on all the casting wesbistes; nowcasting, lacasting and actorsaccess. I sent out postcards for my last booking to all the casting directors. I’m attending a scene study class. I’ve been doing casting director workshops at reelpros since last April. I keep asking what else can I do? Some folks in my life keep suggesting I produce something myself. I keep resisting. Then I resist some more. I have a lot of excuses and I can’t hide from them anymore. Damnit! What’s producing something for myself going to do if it’s a piece of crap anyway? Why do I think what I will make will be crap? Aren’t the internet and movie festivals already inundated with all kinds of craptastic projects? What makes me want to jump into that gigantic pool now? Why do I feel so uncreative and like such an asshole? What the hell is my vision and goal as an artist? Why do I keep going to casting director workshops and spending my hard earned cash when it is not bearing fruit? Is it bearing future fruit in the future I am not aware of? Is there something I don’t know that I don’t know? What do I need to start doing, and what do I need to stop doing? Do the choices I make actually change the course of things? What are the variables I can be in control of that I haven’t taken responsibility for? Am I just a repugnant ogre that repels success? Who said that? How much longer should I give my new agent? Why is she taking 3 months to choose photos from my last photo shoot? What planet are we on? Seriously?
I’m thinking, I’m thinking…
